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Bathroomie
By Stephanie Merulla
Lisa: Woman in her early 30’s
Sam: Man in his mid to late 20’s. (Could be gender fluid)
Lewis: Man early 30’s
The play opens to an empty bathroom. There’s a tub, toilet and sink, and a large window. Inside the tub are pillows and a blowup mattress. In front of the toilet is a small desk with pencils. On the wall is a large scheduled rota with names and times. Touches and personal items are placed around the room making it look more ‘lived in’.
Lisa enters, Sam follows behind.
Lisa: And here it is. The window’s nice and big, gives you a great view of the park. I’m also willing to throw in the desk and the linens. Rent is always due on the first of the month.
Sam has closed the door behind him at the same time the doorknob comes off in his hand.
Lisa: You’re not a smoker are you? Well there’s no smoking and I’ve got like a sixth sense, I always know if someone’s been smoking. Laundry facilities are downstairs, and if you have a bike, you leave it out there in the shed. So what do you think?
Sam: It’s, a bathroom…
Lisa: Yes and a bedroom. It’s kind of a 2 for 1 one deal you’ know? You get the bathroom all to your self, except of course when others need to use it.
Sam: This is a shared bathroom?
Lisa: Only at certain times of the day. I mean it’s your room, but between the hours of 7am and 9am it’s a shared space. We have a rota here and downstairs on the fridge. You just reserve a slot for your shower.
Sam: What if someone needs to… wee?
Lisa: They have to wee during the designated hours. So what do you think?
Sam: How can anyone live like this? This isn’t a room.
Lisa: Actually it is a room. Four walls + a door = a room, and it’s the biggest room in the house which I think I mentioned in the add.
Sam: Sleeping in the bath? Look I don’t think this is for me. It’s a great neighborhood but-
Lisa: You know living in the bathroom has it’s advantages
Sam: Like what?
Lisa: You’ve got a sink in your own room... You can use the toilet while watching a film or reading a book and you don’t have to stop. You can literally roll out of bed and into the shower, or not even, cause you’re already there. And porcelain is easy to clean.
Sam: Clean?
Lisa: It’s always tidy cause, there’s no carpet. Bedbugs are less likely to be a problem, and believe me they’re not fun. If you’re not careful and forget to plug in the drain you might get some silver fish. But they don’t bite.
Sam: I saw this room advertised as a 2 bed flat for 690 per month. Turned out it was a one bed flat and the living room was made into two rooms with a bookshelf and some plaster board as a divider.
Lisa: It had a living room?
Sam: I thought that was bad but this, this is just unsanitary.
Lisa: Unsanitary! Do you see a speck of dirt?
Sam: People shit in your desk.
Lisa: They shit under the seat of the desk-
Sam: They shit in your room!
Lisa: Your room. Fine you don’t want it? Fine, but good luck trying to find a place you can afford. You’re going have to move to Croyden or something. Say goodbye to your social life.
Sam: If it’s so great, why are you moving?
Lisa: Well…well …I’m actually just moving out back into the shed. Oh yeah scratch what I said about putting your bike there. I kind of feel like I’m at an age where I want my own space. I’m thinking that I’m going to buy some earth and try to shovel some of that gravel away so I can make a small herb garden. It’s a little project of mine.
Sam: What are you going to do in the winter?
Lisa: Well yeah, it’s going to be cold but with an emergency blanket it’ll be ok. Kind of like camping.
Sam: This is crazy, you can’t rent out a bathroom as a living space or a shed for that matter. I wonder what the rental board would have to say about this little proxy scheme that you’re doing?
Lisa: I don’t like your hostile tone. I don’t think you’re going to fit in here.
Sam: Is that right.
Lisa: This is a very creative space.
Sam: No kidding.
Lisa: And you’re just not the kind of person that would gel with a household like this. We can’t have some sort of anti-muse challenging the energy here.
Sam: Please, like I want to live here.
Lisa: Oh but you do. I know your type. Look at you, strategically ripped designer jeans, but you got them on sale. Dark rimmed secretary glasses. You moved to London on a whim, a dream that you were going to make it. You studied, you accomplished you probably work in marketing or something boring like that, but you want to do it in a creative field, as if that makes part of some artistic scene. You saw the Blue Tit hairdresser and just couldn’t resist moving this neighborhood.
Sam: No one in their right mind would move into this room, and seeing as though you’re the one currently in here I think that proves my point.
Lisa: There’s a word for people like you starts with an ‘H’ and ends in an ‘R’
Sam: Excuse me? That’s it give me my deposit back.
Lisa: I’m sorry but that was a security deposit. Which covers all liability for early termination of the contract and damages.
Sam: We don’t have a contract.
Lisa: Exactly which means I can terminate your residency for whenever I see fit.
Sam: I’m not a resident I came here for and viewing and an interview. And even if I was a resident you wouldn’t have any grounds to keep my deposit.
Lisa: Umm yes I do on account of you breaking the doorknob.
Sam: That was already broken. Give me my money.
Loud knocking on the door.
Lewis: Lisa, Lisa, you in there?
Lisa: Shit. It’s not seven yet!
Lewis: Open the door Lisa!
Lisa: I’m busy in here Lewis
Lewis: I’ve got a gig tonight!
Lisa: You’ve caught me at a bad time.
Lewis: You better not have messed up my bed.
Sam: His bed?
Lisa: No, your bed is just fine.
Lewis: I gotta wee.
Lisa: Give me a minute Lewis, I’ll be out soon.
Lewis: I’m timing it one minute exactly.
Sam: This is his room?
Lisa: Yes.
Sam: What about your elaborate story about moving out to the shed?
Lewis starts a second countdown. Lisa removes her jumper goes to the sink and splashes water on her face.
Sam: What are you doing?
Lisa: (whispering) Look, I need you to play along okay.
Sam: You can’t be serious.
Lisa: Ssshhhh.
Sam: No.
Sam:(whispering) I want my deposit back.
Lisa: Half.
Sam: Oh Lewis!
Lisa: Okay, okay the money’s yours just please hide. We’re desperate to get rid of this guy. You have no idea. Get in the shower.
Sam: I’m not getting in the shower.
Lisa: If he suspects you’re here you can forget about getting your deposit back.
Sam reluctantly gets in the shower. Lisa kicks off her shoes and wraps a towel round her hair as if it’s drying.
Lewis: …5,4,3,2,1 Okay time’s up.
Lewis bursts in the door. Stands in the doorway looking at Lisa.
Lisa: Look I’m still drying my hair.
Lewis goes to the toilet undoes his fly and pees.
Lisa: Oh my god. Listen I’m not finished.
Lewis: We need to talk.
Lisa: Really.
Lewis: Seeing as though you’re here, I think it’s time we address a few issues
Lisa: And you think now is the exact moment best to have this conversation.
Lewis sighs with relief from peeing. Lisa winces. He finishes
Lewis: You seem uncomfortable around me Lisa.
Lisa: I wonder why that is?
Lewis: I want you to know that I’m sorry for throwing out your compost.
Lisa: Are you?
Lisa: Yes even though it was pile of rotten food that’d been sitting in the kitchen for 3 months.
Lisa: Your lack of green ambition is staggering.
Lewis: But that’s beside the point. I’m frustrated with you Lisa. It’s like you’re always hounding me, Always . ‘Lewis keep your voice down’, Lewis, ‘you’re late with rent.’
Lisa: Yeah I covered you last month remember?
Lewis: And you leave these notes, these post-it notes, which is very passive-aggressive by the way.
Lisa: I‘m not passive aggressive I’m just informing you-
Lewis: (Picking up a pile of post-it notes)
‘Lewis it’s your day to put out the bin’. ‘Lewis don’t forget to lock the door when you leave ‘Lewis please flush after using the toilet!’ I flush the toilet.
Lisa: Really cause can smell you’re toxic, boozy, dehydrated wee from here.
Lewis: What happened to ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down’
Lisa: I don’t think you have much of a point.
Lewis: ‘Lewis turn your phone to silent at night’ ‘Lewis what happened to my red mug’ ‘Lewis stop meditating so loudly you’re disrupting my chi ’Lewis,’ ‘Lewis’, ‘Lewis’! You know for someone who’s so holistic this is a real waste of paper. But finally after all those notes I then still find you here in my space.
Lisa: Look I booked my time, maybe it went a little bit –
Lewis: You’re always in my room.
Lewis starts undressing
Lisa: What are you doing?
Lewis: Taking a shower
Lisa: Well you can’t…I haven’t wiped it down yet.
Lewis: Go ahead.
Lisa: I really don’t want to while you’re half naked.
Lewis: Oh. Is this left over from the other night you tried to pull me?
Lisa: What? I did no such thing.
Lewis: Walked right in here looking for a booty call.
Lisa: I was not looking for a booty call.
Lewis: You were naked.
Lisa: I was drunk.
Lewis: And lonely.
Lisa: I wasn’t naked just not wearing a whole lot, and this is the bathroom.
Lewis: Drunk, I see Looking for some stiff comfort.
Lisa: What?
Lewis: Now, I like to make myself available to women but we are housemates-
Lisa: Oh my god.
Lewis: I just don’t want to make things awkward between us.
Lisa: You’re disgusting…
Lewis: I’m disgusting am I? Alright then!
Lewis whips open the shower curtain. Startled he screams as does Sam.
Lewis: Who the fuck are you?
Lisa: Ummm this is …Sam… a friend of mine.
Lewis: Friend? Oh… I see what’s going on here. Thought you could hide this?
I think I was pretty clear about how I don’t want you lot having guests in my bed. And if you’re going to break the rule it might as well be with someone who doesn’t look like he just fell out of fucking vice magazine.
Sam: Hey
Lewis: So how’d you meet?
Sam: Online Lisa: Speed dating
Lisa: Speed dating online you haven’t tried it yet?
Lewis: And what do you do, Sam?
Sam: Well I actually just moved to London. And I was going to work in the creative sector.
Lewis: Uh huh
Sam: I’m looking for opportunities in online design, social communica-
Lewis: That sounds so cool.
Sam: Oh well-
Lewis: You’re a really cultured person I can tell.
Sam: Thanks. What do you do?
Lewis: I’m an artist, a poet actually. In fact I’m going to be reading some of my new work tonight, I’d love your creative input.
Lisa: Let’s go Sam.
Lewis: Sam wants to hear it. This one’s called ‘Home Body.’
“Somebody is nobody, is your body is my body. Makes me feel like homebody in my own body, come closer mate...”
Lisa: Lewis now’s really not the time.
Lewis: “Time, time is a question, time is an answer time speaks to me like a funny dancer.”
Lisa: Lewis!
Lewis: ‘The harpy’s mouth croaks and rattles. Spitfire burns no rest it’s greed sings and squabbles. Bags under eyes, broken thighs. Saddest woman in the west.”
Sam: It’s… it’s really deep.
Lisa goes for the door handle is gone.
Lisa: Where’s the handle?
Sam: I don’t know
Lisa: You broke it so where is it?
Lewis: Not a very polite tone to take with the new love of your internet life.
Lisa: Shut up!
Lewis: I’m just saying if you want to keep him around you might want to be more polite.
Lisa tries to put the handle back on
Sam: What about the money?
Lisa: It’s in the kitchen. Shit I can’t get it back on. Lewis do you have a key or something.
Lewis: It’s here somewhere.
Lisa rummages through a pile.
Lisa: So this is what’s happened to all the cups…
Sam: Excuse me a minute.
Sam makes a phone call
Sam: Hello, hi this is Sam. I’m supposed to see the room at 7… Yeah, I’m running a bit behind schedule, I ‘ll be there in 15 minutes.
Lewis: You’ve got a room to look at?
Lisa: Yes Sam here is moving to the neighbourhood…
Sam: It’s a great neighbourhood, I really like the area.
Lewis: I’m sure do you. Wow you two are wasting no time, you’re just one step
away from moving in together. How long have you been seeing each other?
Sam: Not Long Lisa: A while
Lisa: It feels like it’s been a while but it’s only been a short amount of time. We’re very happy together.
Lewis: Funny you’ve never mentioned him. How do feel about that Sam that she’s never mentioned you?
Sam: It’s err…it’s ok.
Lewis: What’s going on here?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Lewis: I mean the chances of you finding a boyfriend or even a date with your incredibly anal-retentive list qualities seems pretty unlikely.
Lisa: Well we can’t all be like you who can’t to keep it in your pants at all. Waking up the entire house with all your greasy bottom feeding grunting and who knows what else.
Lewis: Why don’t you tell me why you’re here.
Lisa: Look, I really don’t want to do this right now.
Lewis: Do what Lisa?
Lisa: We… the household… have decided that it’s time for you to move on.
Lewis: You, the household, decided. Are you fucking serious?
Lisa: Don’t shout!
Lewis: Don’t shout? Don’t shout! You’re evicting me over the compost?
Lisa: Yes, and as a matter of fact we wrote you a formal letter.
Lewis: Bullocks!
Lisa pulls a letter from her pocket
Lisa: Yes we did Lewis(reading)Ahem “ Dear Lewis, After much discussion about the wellbeing and balance to the household, we have to come to the decision to conclude your current living status here at 2033 Cambridge Heath. We cordially give you one month to look for alternate accommodations and expect you to vacate the property by march 1st.
Lewis snatches the letter out of her hand.
Lewis: “Best of luck Allison, Charles, Terry, Maria and Lisa.” They didn’t sign this you just typed their names.
Lisa: We all agreed
Sam: Umm let’s find that key get this door open.
Lewis: You want to replace me with him? This manufactured Urban Outfitter’s drone.
Sam: I thought you said I was cultured?
Lewis: Look, I said I was sorry.
Lisa: Let’s talk about this later, can we just open the door already?
Lewis: No we won’t talk about this later and I won’t be leaving. You here that Sam? There’s no way you’re replacing me.
Lisa banging on the door
Lisa: Allison! Charles! Terry!
Sam: Maybe the window? (goes to open the window)
Lisa: We’re on the second floor.
Sam: Let’s call someone!
Lewis: Yeah let’s call Charles. Kick him out instead.
Lisa: Don’t be ridiculous.
Lewis: I’m not, no one’s ever liked him he’s eerily quiet.
Lisa: Nobody likes you! You’re loud, you’re needy, you’re selfish, you’re unkempt. You leave your shit everywhere. You don’t even have a real job.
Lewis: Oh so that’s it. You used to love my music Lisa. You used to say it was hip. I wrote poems for you! Listen Sammy, she’s just using you, they’re all using you, they’re greedy they take and take until you can’t give anymore. Then your contract goes out the window.
Lisa: You’re not on the lease you have no contract.
Lewis: The lease? I’ve been here for 4 years.
Sam: Hey there’s an idea let's call the landlord they have to have the key.
Beat
Sam: What?
Lisa: No one’s ever met the landlord
Lewis: I heard he drives a Roles Royce, lives in a palace, and only comes out at night. I’ve also heard that he suffers from rare allergies and has a very particular diet of eating nothing but frozen organ meats.
Sam: Let’s get him on the phone then.
Lisa: I’ve also heard the last time anyone tried to get in contact with him was to fix a broken window and the rent went up £200.
Sam: Ready to dial.
Lisa: I don’t know the number.
Lewis: I have it. It’s on the wall. Or I was told it was the landlord’s number when I moved in, I never actually called it. You know, come to think of it I wonder what the landlord would have to say about this little intervention and you acting as house manager. And if he finds out that you’ve been profiting off of his property? Forget raising the rent, maybe the landlord we’ll just re draft the lease excluding you!
Lisa snatches the phone from Sam phone and ‘dials’
Lisa: Oh well no one’s home!
Sam: You didn’t call.
Lisa: Yes I did.
Sam: No you didn’t I saw you.
Lisa: What?
Sam: Give me my phone back!
Lewis then grabs the phone.
Lewis: I’ve changed my mind no one is calling any Landlord until we come to an agreement.
Lisa: Forget it Lewis.
Sam: I want to leave.
Lewis: Well then according to the rota we’ll be out of here at 7 am when Allison comes to take her shower.
Sam: I have a viewing!
Lewis: In the meantime, we’re going to write up a little contract. A contract that binds me to this house Lisa.
Lisa: To hell we are!
Sam: I want to leave now!
Lewis: Let’s see here (writing) ‘The following is a contract that is legally binding between the housemates at 2033 Cambridge Heath…
Lisa: It won’t be official.
Lewis: But it has currency. Any written agreement has currency.
Lisa: This is ridiculous.
Sam: I don’t have time for this.
Lewis: ‘All housemates must agree to the following terms and conditions’
Sam: (to the window) Hello, anyone? We’re stuck up here. Hello, someone with a ladder out there?
Lewis: ‘The dwelling will be shared equally and respectfully by each housemate’
Lisa: Oh please
Lewis: ‘Tenants will agree to a certain standard of living and not leave rotten food lying around for a consecutive amount of weeks’
Lisa: You leave everything everywhere!
Lewis: ‘If a housemate breaks these rules then the rest of the household will have grounds to approach the landowner to terminate the contract’
Sam: You know instead of arguing over some fake contract why don’t you come and help me?
Lewis: ‘No single tenant can terminate the contract of a fellow tenant, only the landlord can do so signed Lewis, Allison, Charles, Terry, Maria and Lisa.’
Lisa: I didn’t sign that nor anyone else did but you.
Lewis: Come on Lisa ‘We all agreed’ And seeing as though you have broken some of these rules I think it is my duty to inform the landlord of your misconduct.
Lisa: The landlord can’t help you Lewis because he doesn’t care. He dosen’t care about you, he doesn’t care about me! The only thing he cares about is money!
Phone rings
Sam: Shit I’m late! Give it to me!
Lisa snatches the phones runs the toilet throws it in
Sam: Are you insane? You’re going to have to pay for that!
Lisa: Listen you. I worked too long and hard to keep the rent down. I have fixed drawers, latches, I fixed a hole in the roof, at this point I’ve probably got asbestos poisoning from inhaling all the crap I’ve fixed.
Lisa: I’m not letting you throw our good thing away on a doorknob!
Lewis: if I’m going down, you’re all coming down with me. If you kick me out Lisa. I’m coming for you. I’ll find the landlord, contact the council, steer the biggest developers this way. I will not rest by the time I’m done, It’ll all be gutted divided up and converted into pristine condos for some high paying up and coming yuppies.
Lisa: Are you threatening me?
Sam: Honestly, why do you want to be here at all? Is all this really worth it?
Lewis: Look, I know you’ve just got here with your Neon sparkly Nikes, but have you seen the kinds of places there are out there?
Sam: You’re already living in the bathroom.
Lisa: Really Sam, what makes you think that the next place will be any better than this?
Sam: What makes you think it won’t?
Lisa: Because Sam this is London where you’re guaranteed to live like a rodent! You might consider going somewhere else. You might get sick of being crammed into a hot tube and shot through the underground catacombs of the city day in and day out. The weight of living in smog and breathing poison toxins that secrete from your pores kill you slowly, age you faster, give you respiratory failure, cause you to drink and tare your hair out. You might be depressed because you have to scavenge and scrape by knowing perfectly well your quality of life would be better if you were living in a desolate peat bog. And though this place is crowded and we live on top of each other clustered in to the point of suffocation, you will still be lonely, very lonely, lonelier than you’ve ever been. And you’ll think, honestly, how long can I keep going like this? How can I? But you do because what else is there? Huh? Tell me? This is where it all happens this is London and I will not be squeezed.
Lisa picks up the ‘agreement’ and tares it in half
Now suck it up Lewis, accept it, its time for you to go!
Lewis: You loved me! I’m authentic, I make this place cool! And you want to replace me with this mannequin!
Don’t worry you’ll see me again I promise! I hope you enjoy your new room Sam cause, I’m going to leave really it nice for you! But I’ll be taking some of my things with me. See this desk? This is my desk.
(knocks over the table)
And this carpet, mine! But don’t worry Sam I’ll leave my soap and shampoo at your convenience! It’s hibiscus scented!
(chucks bottles at them)
And this is my bed! Let’s see how good your ‘DIY’ skills really are Lisa!!
(stomps on the blow up mattress . Tries to kick in the taps and rip down the shower curtain and pole)
Here Sam enjoy your new bed isn’t it nice!
(Grabs Sam by his shirt, tries to pull him into the bathtub. Sam struggles and gives Lewis a shove, he slips and falls through the open window)
Sam: Shit! Shit, oh my god, oh my god! Sorry! Sorry! Is he okay?
Lisa: I think the tip broke his fall. He’ll be all right. Don’t worry about it.
Honestly, it’ll be fine. He wasn’t on the lease. Technically he doesn’t even live here, you do.
Sam: What?
Lisa: You put down a deposit. As far as I’m concerned he was just some tramp looking for a place to sleep, crawled up the drainpipe and fell. Don’t worry about it, you and I both know what happened.
…But if you want, I think there is a small box room in the flat next door going for 225 per week, I guess I could introduce you.
Sam: No that’s ok …So when’s rent due again?
Lisa: You’ know I think you’re going to fit in here just fine.
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